


No One-Trick Bird

by yuletide_archivist



Category: The Prestige (2006)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-12-21
Updated: 2008-12-21
Packaged: 2018-01-25 03:40:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1629602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yuletide_archivist/pseuds/yuletide_archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Borden is a prisoner in his own home, while Olivia has fun with Angier's machine. Gets more and more cracky towards the end.</p>
            </blockquote>





	No One-Trick Bird

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you very much to my beta moontyger, who helped me out in the very last minute, and to my RL beta exeterlinden, who helped me through all three drafts.
> 
> Written for majrgenrl8

 

 

**London, March 11th, 1901**

Dear Sir. I have spent the last two and a half months deciphering this document, as you requested of me. As expected, the information which could possibly be of any use for the prosecution comprises only a minor part of the writings, but I had no choice other than to crack all of it, seeing that useful information could be scattered anywhere among the trivia this man has fancied writing about. To make your work less burdensome, I have marked the part I consider of central relevance to the case, and, where suitable, I have adjoined my own comment (though, as you know, I was not given much information about the details of this matter, and I must say that even after reading through all of it at least seven and a half times, I am still not sure what to make of some of the incidents to which he refers).

Finally, I will kindly remind you that the haste of this whole affair has made it necessary for me to postpone several of my other assignments, and that my salary thus will be two and a half times the usual amount. 

Sincerely, Jasper Gray Tweedsburough Authorized de-encrypter 

  


**Borden's Diary**

_September 25th_  
Of course the bloody machine didn't burn. But it will have to be removed. 

  


_September 27th_  
I think we've found a safe place for it. I let Olivia rent the barn at McKay's with the last of our money. She told me that McKay asked her about the Borden case. His customers asked as well. And yes, I guess Fallon forgot to pay for his last rabbits, God damn it.

But she didn't pay, either. She knows how to divert a question. That's her kind of magic. 

  


_October 1st_  
The machine is out of sight. Thank God for that. I don't know how Jess and I would get through this without somebody who can go out. We don't have much food left now, but Olivia is out everyday trying to find work.

Since the trial, we've been living together here in the house, all three of us. Happy family, except for a few facts. Facts like Olivia and I never loved each other. And no more performances. And that I can't have a job. 

I don't know what Olivia is planning to do later on. So far, she has been helpful. But she has nowhere to go either. Since I told her what our prestige was - well, since the night I showed up and she screamed - she has not really let me in. But she is working tirelessly to get us through. After seeing how she dedicates herself I have formed a warm spot in my heart for her as well, I must admit. 

I dream that someday I will go to a new place with Jess, and perhaps Olivia, too, if she wants it, somewhere where no one knows the face of Alfred Borden, and start a new act. Nothing spectacular, but the usual quality. Card pulls, maybe birds for the kids, coins, and something new - a bigger handkerchief, or an umbrella. I will make it even more stunning with fewer props. Oh, Fallon, I will do the best I can to manage for all of us.

  


_October 4th_  
New problems. The lady next door told Olivia she had heard that our house has been put on the market. That was going to happen sooner or later. We will have to move to Fallon's apartment tonight. There is nowhere else we can go. I guess Olivia and I are really stuck with each other now. Great.

  


_October 5th_  
Two small rooms isn't much for three people. We put up a curtain so Olivia can have some privacy in the small room.

We hardly brought anything besides for our clothes. Olivia was upset that she had to leave all her stage-dresses behind. I told her that our future is more dependent on my umbrella than on her dresses. 

But we've no money and not much food left.

  


_October 5th, evening._  
Olivia went out and when she came back, she had gotten a job as a sales-assistant at McKay's grocery - well-paid too. It is more than lucky; it is perfect - she can keep that until I figure out where we can go and how we'll get there.

Jess is getting very bored; maybe Olivia can take her to the store sometimes as well. The coin-trick is no fun for her anymore, and the birds went into a stew some weeks ago. 

Olivia told me that she is sure better times are ahead of us. I hope she is right. 

I had the feeling though, that there was something else she didn't tell me. She can't fool me. 

  


_October 7th_   
Olivia brought a whole sack of potatoes back from work and a huge gingerbread with a ribbon for Jess. Jess was so happy. I think we got lucky with that job of Olivia's. It's a good thing, too, that it keeps her busy somewhere else. Not much room in here to develop my trick. 

  


_October 9th_  
Olivia brought us bread today, and cakes, three huge cakes. We had a feast in the evening.

She told Jess that soon she could eat cake every day, if she wanted. I hope she isn't going to disappoint her too much.

  


_October 10th_  
Today she brought me a tie, quite expensive, slightly used. It looks like McKay's tie.

I started working with the umbrella. I think I may have gotten an idea.

  


_October 11th_  
She brought me twelve birds and twenty-four rabbits. We have nothing to cook them with, and I don't know what she expected me to do with them. But I guess it was nice of her. Jess was happy.

For some odd reason, all the rabbits have one black ear. 

  


_October 12th_  
Today she brought forty leeks, a half filled out-calendar and a framed picture of a woman I don't know. And a Sunday suit with McKay's initials sown in the neck. Either she is stealing or something else is going on. 

  


_October 14th_  
She has been using the machine. Damn it. She took Jess out for a walk and, when they came back, Jess had a dog. A dog which happens to be McKay's ugly poodle. 

For half an hour, she denied what she had done and told me she bought all of it. I asked her if she found the shop where they sell ugly poodles like McKay's. And I asked if she had no sense of responsibility or decency and no idea of the danger she is putting all of us in by using that bloody machine. She told me that she is the one putting food on the table, so I'll have to put up with it, and then she left. I am going to blow that machine up.

  


_7 pm._  
She hasn't come home yet. Tonight I will disguise myself as well as I can with what I've got, and make that devil machine disappear once and for all. 

  


_2 am._  
It didn't work out. Bloody hell. I am lucky just to be back. I thought this would be the end of it all. Now I can't go anywhere with all those police officers running around. Of course she didn't put the machine where I told her to, that jinx. I'll have to wait until everything has calmed down.

  


I think I might know which episode he is talking about, Sir. It so happens that my house is only a few streets from McKay's barn. This lunatic person had tried to dress up like McKay himself and, having somehow managed to break into an artillery storage shelter and equip himself with explosives, he then placed them in McKay's barn. The explosion was enormous - it took some of the neighbouring barns out as well - and I am convinced that people in this neighbourhood will never forget it as it is so very unusual to see two whole streets completely covered in feathers and vegetable pulp. J.G.T.

  


_October 15th_  
Olivia was not pleased, obviously. She was yelling about me endangering her. If only I were in the mood for laughing. Then I was yelling and she went out. She came back at five and told me that the police are searching for the so-called barn-bomber all over, accusing him of attempted murder of McKay - as if I were a damn idiot who thinks McKay sleeps in his barn. And she told me that she would leave straight away if I went out again. 

I can't risk that when Jess is here with me. So now I am really stuck. Help me, God. 

  


_October 16th_  
Today, Olivia brought us liquorice. She didn't mention the explosion and I didn't either. She spends less and less time here. I don't know where she goes, but I don't mind. Easier for me to practise with the umbrella when she's not here. 

  


_October 18th_  
She brought us ham and a big cheese, and school books for Jess, and a puppy.

  


_October 19th_  
Pencils, chocolate, McKay's account books - whatever we are going to use those for - and his desk lamp. 

  


_October 22nd_  
Today, she brought catalogues for men's wear and something which looked like textile samples, which she took with her to her own room. Jess was playing with the puppy, and then with some potato figures I made her, but when Olivia came, she followed her to her room, and I heard her say that she's bored and that she wants to go outside. Then I heard Olivia promise her a new dress. I guess she just has to wait until McKay starts selling dresses.

I tried to talk to Olivia about the machine, but she is extremely stubborn. Now she thinks she's on top because she is the one earning the money. She probably duplicates that a couple of times as well. I wonder if she thinks I enjoy living like this; waiting for her to bring home random stuff.

I'm working on the umbrella-trick. It is looking good. If I get it right, this could be a new beginning for me and Jess. Then she can have a new dress. 

  


_October 26th_  
I have the feeling Olivia is also working on something. She hasn't said anything, but she looks busy in a different way. She was writing long lists today, and drawing. I peeked in, and I think she was drawing a costume of some kind.

  


_October 29th_  
Today she brought home a guest - a very degenerate looking young man. She told me his name was Albert, and that he was applying for a job she has been advertising. I asked her what company she was hiring for, and of course, she couldn't tell me. Then they went out to do business, or so she said. Whatever she is doing, I hope she is not getting us in trouble. 

  


_October 31st_  
She brought home lots of clothing today - men's clothing. Purple velvet. 

And a dress for Jess.

  


_November 3rd_  
Shoes, shirts, hats, socks, gloves - all men's stuff the last couple of days. Certainly she didn't find this in McKay's store. If she is _duplicating money_ , I sure hope she has the brains to be discreet. 

  


Dear Sir. The part I marked in italics should be all the proof you need. This Borden consistently refers to the printing press as `the machine', but he is not really clever in concealing the facts, if you ask me. J.G.T.

  


_November 4th_  
Today, big velvet curtains with streaks like a tiger. And bed linen, satin. And new accounting books.

  


_November 5th_  
Another young man. The upper half of his shirt buttons was undone. I've never seen a man with so much chest hair before. But he seemed more reasonable than the first one. I talked to him, trying to figure out what was going on, but Olivia interfered. They were whispering in her room and I heard her say that his talent was just what she needed.

Tonight I made very, very good progress with the umbrella. It is going to be the best prop trick this city has seen - really astonishing. 

  


_November 10th_  
Jess is missing Olivia. She told me she would rather go to the market with her than learn card tricks from me. I know she's bored, but what can I do? I have been trying to teach the ugly poodle some tricks, but that dog is as stupid as a pot of porridge.

Olivia hasn't been around much; she must have another place she can sleep. But today, she came with the hairy young man and picked up some men's clothing. Later he came for the rest, alone, in different clothing.

In the evening, Jess started playing magician with the rabbits on the floor, and when I was showing her how to make them fit into a handbag, I found a receipt which must be one of Olivia's. It was from a carpenter: ten custom made heart-shaped beds, extra broad. 

  


_November 12th_  
A third man. This one was the size of a Hereford bull. They signed some kind of contract in her room, I think. I heard her say, "I guarantee you that there is no risk involved. It has been tried on both animals and humans. And the best part is that you will be able to trust your colleagues." Later he said, very loudly, "I can't do leather." "No exceptions," she said.

I don't know what she is doing. But I am sure she has chosen a rewarding business.

  


_November 14th_  
Today, the hairy guy came by to pick up curtains and bed linen. He came three times in three different sets of clothes.

I asked him what kind of business they were in. He told me they were hired as some kind of servants. "In a restaurant?" I asked. `No, more like a hotel,' he said.

The second time he came, he pretended he could not remember that we had had this conversation. 

  


_November 19th_  
Olivia was at the market with Jess this morning, and the rabbits went into her room. Later, one of them came out with its head entangled in something. I picked it up and it was some kind of black- and-gold underwear. I will not describe the details here, but this piece of clothing clearly had a sexual intent.

I went into her room and found accounts, which clear as rain explained to me what kind of business she is running. I could see in disgusting detail which of the ladies in town had been served what kind of favour and with which props (but watermelons??), and how the physical qualities of Olivia's young lads are exactly prized. I can see it is a shame that I have no chest hair.

Sweet Lord, she is selling young men for pleasure - selling them to rich ladies who are bored with their fat husbands.

When they came back home, I made Jess go to the staircase, and then I showed Olivia the accounts and the underwear. She just laughed like it was really funny, and said "You should see the look on your face" - quite happy, she was.

And this is not even the worst part: she has made more of them as well. That's what it means when it says that the attorney's wife had "two of the Patricks and one of the Alberts, last one for free". 

That's just brilliant. "To meet the demand," she said. That machine was made by a foul mind and it has made her crooked if she weren't already. She told me she was sorry I had missed the grand opening. I asked her what she thought of the existence she had prepared for these men, and she gave me the "You can't make magic without getting your hands dirty" verse.

"But your customers will know the secret," I said. "I tell them they are twins," she said.

Cheap thrills and sleazyness. I am sickened.

\--

From what Olivia tells me, the business is so far mostly dependent on about a dozen ladies. I've seen many of them in the street, but the young wife of the district attorney I know in person. She was Fallon's and my first try, when we were young and ambitious and had figured out that we could date the same girl. And she was really something; she was completely untamed. But she was too nosy. She wanted to know our secrets. Almost ruined our trick, when she snuck into our apartment and found the disguises. She could have wasted years of work and I was furious, but she didn't even care to apologize. Then she went off and I didn't see her for years, until she came back, married to that ugly old man. For the money, of course. I know he's not her type.

Anyway, everything is all dressed up like a tea shop for fancy ladies, with real tea for the innocent ones. Olivia sure knows how to make do.

And this is only the first of her numerous enterprises, according to herself. 

I know that tea house, Sir, as I happen to frequent the vegetable market right around the corner. `Olivia's tea house', it was called. I can tell you that it was known as one of the most attractive tea houses in the area and a very high quality. Many reputable ladies were customers. At least, they were before the incident. J.G.T.

  


_November 26th_  
Now we have lace bedding and velvet curtains in our rooms as well.

And, as a special service of grace, Olivia sends one of the fallen young lads now and then to take Jess out. Jess likes them a lot, especially the ones called Patrick.

I could see in the accounts that he is the priciest one of them all, because of his enormous instrument.

  


_December 2nd_  
She's really clever, that Olivia. She asks the fine ladies to leave their dresses outside in a smaller cabin, and then she takes the dress for a small trip. Now my room is filled with huge, layered dresses.

I can see she prefers one model especially - the attorney's young wife, if I am not mistaken. Olivia tells me she is a good customer as well and likes to invent new stuff. I told her to quit the details, as I've known her myself. Then she seemed very interested all of a sudden, and tried to question me about it. Apparently, the two of them have been talking about me, without Olivia knowing this.

Anyway, Olivia brought home a really big dress yesterday, and the room is becoming fairly cluttered, so I thought I might try to give it another trip out the window. Tried to give it some of a swing, so it wouldn't land directly under my window. It ended up on the roof of the grocery next door. Maybe I'll let a couple of the rabbits follow later.

Then I went on to work with the umbrella. I am getting my hands used to the feel of it. If this trick is going to work, my hands will have to know this umbrella as if it were a part of my own body.

  


_December 4th_  
Today, she brought home ten liquorice pipes, one of which a lady left outside. I know she loves those things, but there was a bite taken from them, for Christ's sake. I preferred it when she worked at the grocery store.

She didn't mention the dress. But she told me that she was preparing a surprise for the attorney's wife. Whether it is a watermelon or a dancing tournament, I don't care.

  


_December 6th_  
This morning - or actually, today - I woke up at noon with my head aching like it had been run over by a mill stone. And I can remember nothing of what happened yesterday. Jess told me that Patrick had taken her to the circus, and when she came home I was already asleep. She has been talking about the circus all day, especially the horses. I sure hope Olivia understands we have no room for a horse. 

  


_December 9th_  
Now this room is getting too bloody crowded. We have eight big dresses, four pairs of extra velvet curtains, a huge chandelier, three big bags of potatoes and six giant haunches of pork (all of which she made Patrick drag up the stairs), McKay's ugly poodle, twelve birds and twenty-one rabbits (dog ate two, Jess sat on one), and a puppy which pees on the floor. 

I hardly have room to practice my trick. On top of all that Olivia said that she thinks Jess should move to the tea house. She claimed she feels sorry for her, living in this room. No wonder; we can barely move an arm for dresses and animals. Still better for her than living in a whore house. 

  


_December 10th_  
Got up early this morning and threw two sacks of potatoes out of the window, one by one. 

Tried to hit somewhere in front of the grocery.

Then Patrick came by to take Jess out for a walk in the park. She was happy when she saw him coming.

For the rest of the day, I practised with the umbrella. I am really working it out now. I will just have to find a quiet place with a couple of trustworthy people and it is going to be magic so pure that the mind won't be able to fathom it.

When Jess came back, she said Olivia had told her she could have a circus horse if she moved to the tea house. I wish they would not bloody lie to her.

  


_December 11th_  
Today Jess was very bored and she kept saying she wanted to go skipping with the big bunny. I don't know what she is talking about. All the rabbits are exactly the same size.

So I was already tired when Olivia arrived. She is not often here anymore. But this afternoon, she came to pick up a dress and told me about her "enterprise", as she calls it.

She has struck a gold vein over there. These fine ladies seem to know bunches of other fine ladies in need of some entertainment, and so she has rented the neighbouring building as well. She is adjusting the number of employees according to their preferences, she told me. "How many did you make?" I asked her. "Two of Albert, three of Dewey and five of Patrick."

But they are gonna bloody know! How can the bloody women not know? "I made them sign a pact," she said. 

A _pact_!

  


_December 14th_  
One of the Alberts came by with bread yesterday and I told him we're going to leave this menagerie one of these days. Half an hour later, Olivia came by.

"I was expecting that," she said. "But I want to give you a chance to join the business. Think about Jess." As if I hadn't. "I wouldn't touch that business with the tip of my toe," I said. "That's what I thought," she said. "But actually, you are already in it."

And I am. She explained exactly how she had made one of the Alberts drug me, the night before I had the headache. And it is true: I do remember he came by with a cupcake.

And then, when I was asleep, they dragged me off, and copied me three times. To meet the demand. Several ladies had made reservations beforehand. I couldn't say a word; I was just staring at her.

\- "You are a really handsome man, Alfred, if only you had some style in clothing. But I have taken care of that."

\- "But if they are me, they would _never do it_ ," I said.

"Funny you should say that," she said. "As I left, two of you were jumping around with the attorney's wife, one covered in honey and the other in peanuts." 

That's it. I'm leaving. I'm not exactly sure where to go yet, but I am not staying here one more day. The place doesn't matter much either; with this trick, I'll be able to make it anywhere. I'll pack my bag and Jessie's bag, and we'll leave tonight.

Olivia went back to the ladies. They're having some kind of celebration tonight. An orgy. Whatever. When I looked out the window, I saw the Alberts waiting for her on the street, carrying what looked like big African drums, two halibuts, a bicycle and a gorilla costume. I don't want to know.

  


_1 pm._  
There has been a fire in the tea house. Candle lights and gorilla costume.

Naked men and women running around all over, I imagine. At least the attorney's wife must have been half naked. One of the Patricks was here dropping off her dress when it happened. Olivia is gone. She'll probably run into the police sooner or later.

The reason I know all this is that one of the other Patricks came by and told me everything, to warn me. I knew the Patricks were the best of them. He offered to smuggle Jess to the train station and wait for me there.

But he was wrapped up in a curtain and, underneath it, I think I saw a bunny costume. Oh God. 

  


I remember this, Sir, as it happened to take place only a few streets from a good friend of mine's, where I had had dinner the same evening. It was truly an astonishing sight. I saw several reputable ladies in their undergarments lying unconscious in the street, and other reputable ladies getting carried out of the burning house by young men, dressed in costumes I cannot quite describe. I know that one was dressed as a fisherman and another wore feathers but what the general idea of it was I cannot elucidate. A horse came running out of the building as well, and disappeared down the street. I also know that many of these men had a truly tremendous amount of chest hair, Sir, in case the police need some description of the people involved. J.G.T.

  


_1.45 pm._   
The time has come to reveal my trick, or at least some of it. The world would have waited for this until the day I die, but now that I am going to perform in more humble settings, I find it suitable to leave a description for the London audience of what it has lost.

A small variety theatre, somewhere in the provinces. The curtain rises. I walk on to the stage, smiling, completely relaxed, and do a flashy trick right away - simple, but not easy. The audience applauds. Then I do a few more tricks, each one increasing in complexity. As many as it takes to make the audience follow my every move so very closely, with their eyes tied to the movement of my hands. Until I can feel their awe; until I feel they believe I can do anything. And then I give a small sign, and an assistant throws in an umbrella for me. I catch it, and unfold it on stage. A very big blue umbrella, fine cotton, possibly with stars on it. I swirl it a couple of times, toss it into the air and catch it effortlessly. I can feel the breath from the vast darkness in front of me. After expectation has been properly built, I throw it, casually, but of course very, very precisely further down the stage, where it lands bottom up. Then I take a small rubber ball from my pocket, and throw it into the umbrella - or, at least, that is what the audience thinks. Because, in reality, I throw it past the umbrella and off the opposite side of the stage. Then I pick up the umbrella, pretending it's a bit heavier, naturally, close it, and spin it around. And open it ---

Not a sound from the invisible rows of seats. The ball is gone. I walk around a bit, smiling, prolonging time. And then, the prestige. I snap my fingers, and with no regard to the laws of the possible, the ball comes bouncing in from the other side of the stage --- 

But I am afraid that the description of the prestige will have to wait. That bit I will take with me, and keep out of the reach of prying characters for long as I live.

And now, I will pack my bag and leave this town for good.

I have decided to leave my diary here for the police and the district attorney, so they can have something to occupy themselves with. They will have some explaining to do to each other and the city, after my dear Olivia pulled their legs, and it would be a shame if the details were lost. 

And I will leave my diary here so I can prove to my first and most educational love, Julie, that I am no one-trick bird. Yes you, Julie, married to the district attorney, sitting there and reading my diary which your nosiness has made you pinch from your husband's confidential papers. 

You had the pleasure of fooling your dim husband and the fine establishment, and now you have gotten your hands dirty as well. So you've wondered what my trick was. Here is one of them, but it is too late. You will never get hold of me, none of you. My disappearance shall be my greatest trick of all. Goodbye, you ordinary people. 

_-The real Alfred Borden_

  


If you ask me, Sir, I find that scattering your private life all over town like this is not much of a great trick. I know that this man was caught right outside of his house, and that it is kept secret what exactly he is being accused of, but in my point of view, it should not be too difficult to at least prove him guilty as an accomplice to money printing and procuring.

I know that the police caught many of the bewildered young men, and, in my opinion, the conviction of these lost souls as well as the magician would perfectly restore justice to the satisfaction of the public without too much disturbance, even though the woman and a couple of other lost souls have gotten away. Also, Sir, I am sure that, whatever this man writes about your nice wife, it is purely a product of his malevolent imagination. J.G.T.

 


End file.
